Letting go...

Sometimes the best way to stay in a romance is letting go of it, when the time comes. Through many twists and turns in one's life, when you come across a feeling that is way different from what you have felt so far..its but natural to hold on to it.The comfort in knowing that there was indeed a true soul-mate born for you is one of sheer ecstacy. Its like an addiction. You know it can be potent, but yet you cannot let it go. You want it so close to you at all times, that you can hear it breathe on you. You want to hold it close to you, closer to your body..at all times. But its like a virus. Or maybe a an ecstacy drug. Letting go of such intense feelings of passion can be the most difficult task ever, but like two clouds parting silently..after having travelled a few miles together..and must let go.Not everyone in the world can be together, no matter how much you want it.

Its a different journey. One which requires the highest levels of self-control and the conscience to carry out what your heart doesnt permit you to do.

But the journey must be made. In order to make peace with reality. In order to allow vents and vaccums to be filled in ,in a proper way. In order not to fall in love with somebody so much that it starts hurting. The worst probably is when, this truth dawns on the two seperate souls at seperate times. The manisfestation of that conscious effort to pull away is what is the most hurting to the other,becauae the other hasnt yet realised, why such should happen. But there isn't a way around this. Its bound to happen this way. Like all other feelings , the one of hurt will have its say in the whole scheme of things. But then again,that too shall pass.

Amen.

.

Pure Magic

He did not know I would be there,but I did..I knew this would be where he would eventually turn up!

So, I took a chance and planned it in such a way that he bumps into me ..thinking it was an accident..

He did. At the corner of a winding staircase. He was in his checkered knee-length shorts and a collared white tee..bright mischieveous ,yet intense eyes,a slightly unkept hair..a few strands on his forehead,the kinds that loom when you have just had a haircut, a little unshaven..wearing that smile which melts my heart. I could take in the whiff of his fresh,Mediterranean perfume...and there he was..looking as cute and sexy that I knew him to be!

The moment was as magical as I had expected it to be...! He was amused..caught unawares and was brimming with happiness, as he read that ping on his blackberry enabled google-talk, that I had sent him-"Love,can you stop where you are for a moment and look upwards-towards the third floor?'. He did.

"Hey there..surprised?", said me, as I climbed down the stars that came down from the third to the second floor of the building. I squeezed in a very tight hug..smelt the freshness from behind his ears and the nape of his neck..and almost did not want to let him go. Neither did he. We held on. For quite a few minutes. Prolonged..the way we wanted our first hug to be when we meet!

I dont remember what happened in between this moment and the time, when I had to leave...

All I recollect is, him holding my hand,looking deep into my eyes.. and telling me " Will I ever be able to feel this way for anyone else ever..? I know this is not love,the way I know it..but this undescribeable feeling when I am with you is magical...and I wish this could last forever."

I woke up. It was 7.30AM. A light breeze from the window on my left greeted me, and brought in a wayside strand of hair on my eyes..I gently flicked it off..and sat up..with a smile on my face :)

Amen!

May I...?

I dont find it strange any more when strange things happen to me. Somewhere down the line, I want to believe that thats the best way of life for me. Analysing some thoughts that are totally far from what reality has to offer me, makes me depressed. It makes me want to turn around a life in which I have never had any problems..never had any controversies,never had any lack of love.

I cant get myself to believe that imagining what my life could have been 'if this or if that' had happened is making my heart pound today. Today is not the right time or space for it. And today is also not the time I have any regrets about how my life is now. My world is complete today...almost overspilling the brims..of what I call a perfect life. Yet, the sound of an imaginary bike, the sound of a sea in monsoon, the roar of a thunder and the spark of a lightening, the blooming of a flower, the touch of dew drops on the tender leaf, the sight of pink lemonade...all seem new to me. I sometimes wonder what to do with myself for being such a dreamer. At one point, it is this quality of mine that oftens makes me live alternate lives ..one ones that I choose..the ones that I like living. Sometimes I am a piper's flute, sometimes the guitarist's strum..and sometimes the painter's colours. And now, I am drowning in eyes that never looked at me before...I am floating in arms that were never held around me before..and yet I dont feel guilty. I yearn for these strange moments..of stranger eyes that can carress me..of stranger arms that can assure me of their existance. I long for the sun to rise every dawn and every dusk to melt into nights, allowing my dreams to sashay into my life.

Sometimes I wonder what the phrase "I love you" means. Does love,romantic love..always need the security of a relationship? Can being in love or being loved in return ever be enough? How much capacity does the heart have to melt even when it knows it is already filled to the brim with love...?

I dont have answers to any of these questions..and that will mean that my thoughts wont stop. I cant say I am in love again..but its the essence of love that is creeping in. The kind which oozes out when you break open a slightly melted truffle. The kind which makes the little girl ecstatic when she sees the pink fluff candy in front of her. The kind which you feel when you pickup a small insecured kitten, lying by the trench..cold and wet from the rain, last night. And more importantly..the kind of essence that needs no answers or has no questions. From me, or from the place the essence belongs to. The beauty remains when it stays unanswered. The charm is retained when there is to string atached. Its regardless of time, space,being and existance. Thank you,my good Lord..for making making me understand this,fast enough!

A different dashboard. A different life. An alternate reality. Imaginery sand-castles that I dont want to break. Dream blankets that I dont want to unweave. New scaled peaks that I dont want to come away from. Sunk in blue crystal waters, from where I dont want to return. Covered by soft talcum sand that I dont want to shake off. Auburn leaves tangled in my hair..that I dont want to entangle. The hands of a clock I dont want to unwind. The strokes of colour in my heart that I dont want to erase.Kisses that I want to keep. Hugs that I want to retain. The "sunshine" I always want to be. Matters that I dont want to complicate.A leap ahead in time that I dont want to take.

"BaaNwra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna" :)

Cinnamon Twist!

Am back to my blog after an eon,I think. But I need to write..so much has been happening/has happened in my life since my last post. Perhaps need a seperate post to write what a feeling it is to see two toothless smiles on human beings that were part of your body for 9(well, seven in my case!) months..

I feel flustered,thankful,happy,concerned,proud,scared,superstitious,unsure...all at the same time. So whenever anyone asks me the much irritable but cliched question.."How does it feel to be a mother?"...I honestly wish I could make him or her understand..what the true feeling is.

But hey..this one's not about me and my toothless angels!

Its about a "Cinnamon" twist in my life! :) And the worst is..I dont know what and how to write about it...without being very verbose. You see..we have planned a secret one year non-disclosure deal..of catching up on things about ourselves that we have missed out for..(hold your breath!)..15 years!!:)

Whenever Cinnamon gets sprinkled on my life..I feel a flush..and often a blush! Its the most uncanny thing..that we have so much in common(that we are discovering with every second of our exchanges)..and yet..when we had a chance(or the lack of it!!)...we never ever spoke to each other. Well..a non-assuming, extremely harmless passing smile,maybe at the best.Oh,but wait...thats just my version of it. I am given to understand..his passing smiles were not very harmless..focussed on a secret intention! Loll!! And now..we realise,there are common colours we like, common food and ingredients,some truly spooky common habits,speak the same things at the same time. Wonder of wonders,I tell you! Cinnamon,true to his nature...is oh-so-sweet..and oh-damn-its-spicy...all at the same time. In crazy amounts and of crazy helpings...! He has stories about me from 15 years ago..written in his memory...that even fails my grey cells.

Cinnamon has medicinal value, they say! :) Yes,it does..I can see that.Used when you need that warm,fuzzy,soft and gooey feeling inside you. Sprinkled on hot chocolate, sipped under a blanket..on a winter's moonless night..watching a classic favourite.."Notting Hill",anyone? :)I love this bit. Sprinkle Cinnamon all over me..and I am ever so happy. Nowadays I wake up to Cinnamon..sleep(well, the little that I do!)..smiling..thinking of the aftertaste Cinnamon left behind..

Pretty visuals,charming conversations,intriguing findings,intense discussions..a heart behind all that..that is soft as a marshmellow...and a soul that is kindred...

Thats Cinnamon for me.

Alternate and the Real Reality..

Once ,long time back,I spent six hours of an overnight Greyhound ride sitting across the aisle from a couple who had just met when they sat next to each other that night.And apparently, discovered that they were two halves of a sundered whole. Or something like that.Or that was all that I could figure out within their murmurs and deep breaths. When we hit El Paso, they were going to part ways, she for Tucson, and he for Atlanta. Off to lead their real lives, I suppose.. I never really caught the exact story that they spun overnight and perhaps even woven a web.
They spent their time alternating between discussing the deep and abiding parallels between the courses of their respective lives ..views of the world.. and well..making out under a blanket!At the time, the whole thing made a deep impression on me.
Assuming that what they thought they had, was honest (which I suppose nobody can know but them), just think of the existential conflict that might be involved in such a case. Assume that you have one perfect soulmate: would it be better to live your life in ignorance of this fact, making do on your own and the one you already have, or meet that person exactly once sometime..ever, just for a few hours (maybe around midnight on a cramped bus full of poor students and tired tourists?!)
It's been more than a couple of years or so since then, and I wonder if they still think about it :)Probably they've just laughed it off. It's the sort of thing you would really like to diminish(or 'minimise' in your desktop!) or in your head, to be able to keep on going...is my consideration!
I've now got an image in my head, of a scenario. One of them, thirty years from now, old and broken by the world. Drifting through the crowds in some great city, and seeing the face of the other in the crowds, and then blinking.
Gone...

Full Stop!

Alternatives and Substitutes

I have been very de-focussed off late. And I logically understand the reason.
I am impatient and irritable. Snappy and blunt. And I am not apologetic!
When one is basically attention-demanding,its very difficult to keep up with the pace of that, riding along waves of these demons.
You crave and demand the attention, but you don’t have the patience to wait for someone to give you that.
So, what you end up doing is search for alternate vents and substitute characters.
There are definite XYZs from who I demand(and obtain,in most times) attention! When they do not respond to my cries of desperation..I think I tend to begin my search. Life doesn’t stop,does it? :)

So,why am I writing this? Because I haven’t been able to successfully find alternatives and substitutes off late! Its like over-blowing a gas balloon till its seams. I am restless to vent out ..but really have nothing or no one to pour out too. Don’t read this wrongly as frustration. No,its definitely not that. It restlessness and inability to fathom and a failed attempt to believe that there is a world past your own needs and cravings. There is a world that moves on and fine without you. There is a world that does not listen to your silent(or maybe not!)cries of desperation..they hear it..but disregard it.
There is no definition of this ‘want’.
If I ask myself what it is..I will be blank..and will have no answers. Its not that I want to talk to someone,or be with something.
Perhaps I want assurance from the breeze that blows my hair,the wet earth the sticks to my feet when I walk bare-footed..the rain that splashes on my face..and makes me blink my eyes!
No..please..anyone reading this..however you might want to think its YOU I am referring to..be disappointed!
Just because I don’t have my facts together to understand what I am craving for and missing at this point in time, do not dare to take advantage..

PS: But if you decide to..I am just an sms away! :)

Of Matter.Well,it Depends!

Sometimes people and objects become a part of your dependency schedule.

Sometimes,these objects do not matter in your life,but they are a dependency.

Sometimes few people who matter in your life are NOT dependencies..while others tend to become one.

My gardener. He does not matter in my life. But he is a dependency every 30th of the month,when he comes to collect his payments. I need to tell him in a broken Hindi ,with a few arbit Kannada words,how the plants in my terrace need a specific kind of handling. If I am not able to tell him this,and Raj still gives away his monthly dues,I loose sleep!! I depend on seeing him for a pleasant night's sleep,you see.

My tiffin box. It doesnt matter to me that I cant find it anymore. But I depend on its availability. It was a perfect box. Sized perfectly to carry my parathas and curries to work. Its unbelievable,that ever since I cannot find that ONE particular box,I have stopped carrying lunch. Absurd,I know...but its a dependency.

My mother. Matters to me,the most in this world. But I can live without being with her,talking to her and not thinking about her. Its not a dependency. On a similar context-Raj is both..matters to me as much as my mother,and fits like a glove into my dependency schedule!

There are some other things and people who have been taking up space in my mind off late. They do not matter to me but are becoming dependencies,slowly.

I like it this way,actually.It gives me fodder to think,and not keep myself idle. Gives me food to brood and contemplate. Allows me to smile to myself,on how absurd the patterns of the mind are. Makes me agree that the heart and the mind are such different battlefields. But I dont gear up as a warrior princess in such cases.Infact,I like to agree to a suggestion a friend had for me,once..(was perhaps quoted on a different context,but what the heck!!)

"Dont fight it. Give in.":)

Yeah..I remember the context..it was bittersweet chocolates! Now thats one more example-It matters to me. I hate it if I see someone eating it in front of me. I hate it when people say its stocked in their kitchens. I hate it when its not the same for me..and my kitchen is devoid of dark chocolates :(

I am dependant on it. I need it when I crave for it.

But..hey..dont read into this more. My "cravings'" are not my dependencies always!:) Bitter dark chocolate is just an exception.

I need to sign off now. This banter will become a limitless conversation,if not,and I might get into trouble!

Did I hear someone say.." You are already in trouble,baby! This plane has taken off!!" :) ?