Alternate and the Real Reality..

Once ,long time back,I spent six hours of an overnight Greyhound ride sitting across the aisle from a couple who had just met when they sat next to each other that night.And apparently, discovered that they were two halves of a sundered whole. Or something like that.Or that was all that I could figure out within their murmurs and deep breaths. When we hit El Paso, they were going to part ways, she for Tucson, and he for Atlanta. Off to lead their real lives, I suppose.. I never really caught the exact story that they spun overnight and perhaps even woven a web.
They spent their time alternating between discussing the deep and abiding parallels between the courses of their respective lives ..views of the world.. and well..making out under a blanket!At the time, the whole thing made a deep impression on me.
Assuming that what they thought they had, was honest (which I suppose nobody can know but them), just think of the existential conflict that might be involved in such a case. Assume that you have one perfect soulmate: would it be better to live your life in ignorance of this fact, making do on your own and the one you already have, or meet that person exactly once sometime..ever, just for a few hours (maybe around midnight on a cramped bus full of poor students and tired tourists?!)
It's been more than a couple of years or so since then, and I wonder if they still think about it :)Probably they've just laughed it off. It's the sort of thing you would really like to diminish(or 'minimise' in your desktop!) or in your head, to be able to keep on going...is my consideration!
I've now got an image in my head, of a scenario. One of them, thirty years from now, old and broken by the world. Drifting through the crowds in some great city, and seeing the face of the other in the crowds, and then blinking.
Gone...

Full Stop!

Alternatives and Substitutes

I have been very de-focussed off late. And I logically understand the reason.
I am impatient and irritable. Snappy and blunt. And I am not apologetic!
When one is basically attention-demanding,its very difficult to keep up with the pace of that, riding along waves of these demons.
You crave and demand the attention, but you don’t have the patience to wait for someone to give you that.
So, what you end up doing is search for alternate vents and substitute characters.
There are definite XYZs from who I demand(and obtain,in most times) attention! When they do not respond to my cries of desperation..I think I tend to begin my search. Life doesn’t stop,does it? :)

So,why am I writing this? Because I haven’t been able to successfully find alternatives and substitutes off late! Its like over-blowing a gas balloon till its seams. I am restless to vent out ..but really have nothing or no one to pour out too. Don’t read this wrongly as frustration. No,its definitely not that. It restlessness and inability to fathom and a failed attempt to believe that there is a world past your own needs and cravings. There is a world that moves on and fine without you. There is a world that does not listen to your silent(or maybe not!)cries of desperation..they hear it..but disregard it.
There is no definition of this ‘want’.
If I ask myself what it is..I will be blank..and will have no answers. Its not that I want to talk to someone,or be with something.
Perhaps I want assurance from the breeze that blows my hair,the wet earth the sticks to my feet when I walk bare-footed..the rain that splashes on my face..and makes me blink my eyes!
No..please..anyone reading this..however you might want to think its YOU I am referring to..be disappointed!
Just because I don’t have my facts together to understand what I am craving for and missing at this point in time, do not dare to take advantage..

PS: But if you decide to..I am just an sms away! :)

Of Matter.Well,it Depends!

Sometimes people and objects become a part of your dependency schedule.

Sometimes,these objects do not matter in your life,but they are a dependency.

Sometimes few people who matter in your life are NOT dependencies..while others tend to become one.

My gardener. He does not matter in my life. But he is a dependency every 30th of the month,when he comes to collect his payments. I need to tell him in a broken Hindi ,with a few arbit Kannada words,how the plants in my terrace need a specific kind of handling. If I am not able to tell him this,and Raj still gives away his monthly dues,I loose sleep!! I depend on seeing him for a pleasant night's sleep,you see.

My tiffin box. It doesnt matter to me that I cant find it anymore. But I depend on its availability. It was a perfect box. Sized perfectly to carry my parathas and curries to work. Its unbelievable,that ever since I cannot find that ONE particular box,I have stopped carrying lunch. Absurd,I know...but its a dependency.

My mother. Matters to me,the most in this world. But I can live without being with her,talking to her and not thinking about her. Its not a dependency. On a similar context-Raj is both..matters to me as much as my mother,and fits like a glove into my dependency schedule!

There are some other things and people who have been taking up space in my mind off late. They do not matter to me but are becoming dependencies,slowly.

I like it this way,actually.It gives me fodder to think,and not keep myself idle. Gives me food to brood and contemplate. Allows me to smile to myself,on how absurd the patterns of the mind are. Makes me agree that the heart and the mind are such different battlefields. But I dont gear up as a warrior princess in such cases.Infact,I like to agree to a suggestion a friend had for me,once..(was perhaps quoted on a different context,but what the heck!!)

"Dont fight it. Give in.":)

Yeah..I remember the context..it was bittersweet chocolates! Now thats one more example-It matters to me. I hate it if I see someone eating it in front of me. I hate it when people say its stocked in their kitchens. I hate it when its not the same for me..and my kitchen is devoid of dark chocolates :(

I am dependant on it. I need it when I crave for it.

But..hey..dont read into this more. My "cravings'" are not my dependencies always!:) Bitter dark chocolate is just an exception.

I need to sign off now. This banter will become a limitless conversation,if not,and I might get into trouble!

Did I hear someone say.." You are already in trouble,baby! This plane has taken off!!" :) ?

I feel it..

I feel these today..

I will need to write about songs that I feel today. (Thanks to Facebook,I can compare myself to colours,shoes,alcohol,and even furniture nowadays!! So..feeling like a song should be least of my worries,isn't it?)

(1)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jk63Psr3wzY

Music by Michel Legrand;Lyrics by Alan Bergman and Marilyn Bergman-and sung by Sting. I love this rendition much better than Noel Harrison. The saxophone and the jazzy feel that this rendition has just takes me right now to another space and time. Its mystical.The imagery, the metaphors within metaphors, the statements, the questions, the answers, no answers, the ending, the beginning, the circular thoughts, the imagery… I love it!

(2) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30egIKHT-pM

Music,Lyrics and Sung by Leonard Cohen.

I think there is nothing more intoxicating then realising or understanding that either you have been touched or you have touched a perfect body with a mind! It must be a wondrous feeling to be Suzanne! Even as I sit listen to this haunting melody and perfect lyrics I get goose-pimples....!!

The visual that returns to haunt me everytime I hear this song..is that of a lovelorn sailor,sitting on a rocky cliff..and he is making love to his mon amour with his eyes..in a soft,tender..but very sensual way..few thousand miles apart..but yet,for that moment there is nothing in the world that would disturb them!

(3)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jmyV2-2R28

Swanand Kirkire,Sudhir Mishra.

I will refrain talking about this song. It transports me to a place from where I cannot ever return on time. I can associate this song with almost everything in my life! I like to listen to this when I am ecstatic,when I am depressed,when I cook,when it rains, when I cry,when I make my bed,when I wake up in the morning,when the sun sets over the horizon,when the lighthouse beams out,when the thunder strikes,when the moon winks,when the starts shine..when I just want to be myself..or even someone else!