I confess today. I am a narsicist. But, with a small twist. I always want to include other players in this game. My life has had a lot of people walking in and out,and hence no one account of describing my narcism would or can exclude them!Its a little thought-provoking-but true,that what i am today..or the way I feel and behave today, are all a result of what has transpassed in my yester-years. Cant call my behavior self made, even if I can call my self self-made. Its a collection of every passer-by's contribution..the good that he did..and the bad that he did to me..that has made me the way I am..at least in the way my mind runs!
I believe in what I had been made to believe by them(that is,when they were a part of my life!). That doesn't speak very highly of me,I know. Now,one can say,'What,Sam,did you never have a backbone or a choice of moulding yourself on your own?' I did,maybe-but I also accomodated and believed,unconsciously in most cases,what I was told about myself.I chose to,and I dont have regrets!
Let me see, how far back on my past I can allow myself to go.These are milestones of my life so far..but not equidistant ones.Contains several people who were part of life,through circumstances. These are not friends,or girlfriends. All of them are 'hims':). I will not mention complete names,but just about the first initial for my own reference-while I pull these skeletons out from my rubber-wood cupboard.Here goes...
D.
No, not much memories or influence. I roller bladed away a lot of my time with him. Literally and figuratively:)
B.
Now,this one was my first ever serious affair. The age difference-4 years.Made me believe that I will always remain a kid,with my partner. Was nick-named 'Pixie'.Made me realise, I love being protected,and loved being jealous.I will love the feeling of men being possesive about me.Learnt to please,by accomodating my partner's tastes. (Oh God..I remember buying Guns & Roses and White Snake audio cassettes,just because he listened to them..and he played the drums on those songs!!!UNIMAGINABLE!!!):) Learnt that I cannot fight with someone I love! Nor allow anyone to fight with me in peace! You see,with the first word blown at me in a pitch higher than usual..I would be in tears!! Lol!!
K.
Now,this one started off as an infatuation,and remained one of those flings, where I realised that physical intimacy is very very crucial for me to consider a relationship serious. And that was one very important learning.Learnt being impulsive,and sometimes dangerously impulsive. Learnt making up a lot of stories to cover up!Learnt, that there will be times when I will be totally driven by carnal needs,rather than philosophical mushy talk!(Wink wink!!).Was convinced that there could be potential situations hereafter,where I would need more than one man to love me passionately! Yes-that would be a need,indeed.
A.
Got me interested in expressing through writing. We exchanged terribly long letters,although he stayed exactly one block away! Wrote about several things material and immaterial. Learnt to put words to feelings. Learnt a lot of spellings and grammar,and to think of questions out-of-the box. I would say, I owe a lot of my creativity to him. Music. That was a high point in our exchanges. Listened to a lot of meaningful songs. Started relating songs to situations. Improved grasp on my Bengali vocabulary. Learnt that expression is best,when explained in simple short sentences-not jargons.Started appreciating the arts. He could play the violin,the harmonica and the guitar. He could sing. He could write about ordinary things in the most extra-ordinary manner. He watched films, I never thought I could appreciate. Schindler's List. We sat together and spent hours 'deconstructing' that movie.He taught me to question, not necessarily argue. But even to this date,I think-if I had stuck around with him, I would have turned out to be a perfect balance of the cliched Bengali intellectual and an urban arty types!
He also made me believe, that sometimes I looked the best sans any make-up. Sans kohl. Sans lipstick. He made me believe that its the early morning light and the sub-focussed rays of the sunset,that made me look beautiful.
Not writing about S, but moving on directly to V.Why? Because, S and I dated,simply. Never got promoted to a relationship beyond a few walks to KJC,a few liplocks,and a few dances together on the fresher's welcome party! Lasted all of 3 weeks,I think!
V.
V was all about power. All about male-chauvinism. All about asserting that the male ruled the world. He was a good listener,when we started off..but,that changed.I dont think there were too many take-aways from him,while he was around. Well..maybe just one-continue doing what YOU think is right,no matter what the world around you wants to to do.He made me learn how to listen to my conscience.But when he left me, embarrassed,heartbroken,and used-its then that I realised that not all decisions can be made by the heart. He made me tough,actually. To be practical. Not to get carried away.To face life,when hardships come by. He also made me end up trusting and recognising true friends, from the ones who just hang around with you during good times.I stayed with his parents and family while I was in one of my internships. I realised,just then-that it was important for the man who shared my life to have a family who would be able to share the same ideals and morals my own family has.Did he also successfully made me brand and image conscious? 'No'-I think that would be the correct answer:)!!
Let me for a moment remember R...
R,again did not have too much to contribute in making me what I am today. But..I did understand,while hanging around with R,that it is very important for my partner to know how to dance :).R was very passionate about dancing. He was very poetic,romantic, expressive about his feelings,and a self made man.He would spend hours staring at me-making poetry for my eyes, for my lips..and imagining stuff! I still remember the letter he had wriiten to me, where there was some reference of his imagination,where he was a caveman or something..!!I think I realised,by being with him that I would eventually settle for someone who had these traits...! R often made me feel like the Godesss or the 'Diva',I have mentioned earlier:)
S.
R had come down to Manipal,as a surprise visit! And that was when S and me were busy trying to put a name to the relationship we were building. So it was funny:)
S was very different from V.In every way possible. He was simple. Down to earth. Very sensitive,but immensely lazy.Not very social-savvy.A romantic at heart, but had very subtle ways of expression. Had a voice that would draw crowds.With S,I understood that I would always need my partner to be my friend first. I would always want to come back home to a friend,and only then submit to a lover!I will always need someone I could share anything without having any inhibitions of being judged.But,it was also with him, that I think..I must have blossomed into a woman,from a young girl. He made me believe that.'Kuch Kuch Hota Hain' released during those times!S always maintained that I was like the character Kajol played in the movie,pre and post the interval.Before being with S,I was like Kajol in the 1st half. Soon after,I was Kajol,post-interval-all woman,all feminine,but still strong!Till date I maintain and believe that. There was a permanent metamorphosis. I started believing that equality in a relationship is of utmost importance. Emotional engagements needed to be at par. I would never appreciate being dominated. I would never appreciate being dominating. I would also never appreciate a partner who would allow or cherish either of the two.I did a lot for S,in ways that were possible. I also jeopardised a lot in my career by doing that. And after S, till date I have the sensibility in me to realise when I get carried away with personal priorities,jeopardising professional commitments.The S-phase also re-instated what living a month with V's parents did to me. I doubly firmly started believing that it was important for me and my partner to have families that could be friends.
RB.
RB taught me that I can never wake up early in the morning and peel and chop papayas for my husband! :)Jokes apart...I realised,that I have the option of calling off relationships,that were not working in my favour-irrespective of the level of family or individual committments it had scaled to.I realised I always needed to be be treated rightfully,with dignity and self-respect. I needed my partner to show adequate respect to my family for whoever they are.I learnt that I can put people back to their places if they act smart!
Then there were more 'alphabets' who were planted themselves in the 'word' that makes me,"ME".But,I think I will end here,and not talk about them. They were very influential,no doubt!But I will choose not to mention their names here,in order to protect my private life:)
DBKAVRS RB. Can anything be formed out of this? :)
