May I...?

I dont find it strange any more when strange things happen to me. Somewhere down the line, I want to believe that thats the best way of life for me. Analysing some thoughts that are totally far from what reality has to offer me, makes me depressed. It makes me want to turn around a life in which I have never had any problems..never had any controversies,never had any lack of love.

I cant get myself to believe that imagining what my life could have been 'if this or if that' had happened is making my heart pound today. Today is not the right time or space for it. And today is also not the time I have any regrets about how my life is now. My world is complete today...almost overspilling the brims..of what I call a perfect life. Yet, the sound of an imaginary bike, the sound of a sea in monsoon, the roar of a thunder and the spark of a lightening, the blooming of a flower, the touch of dew drops on the tender leaf, the sight of pink lemonade...all seem new to me. I sometimes wonder what to do with myself for being such a dreamer. At one point, it is this quality of mine that oftens makes me live alternate lives ..one ones that I choose..the ones that I like living. Sometimes I am a piper's flute, sometimes the guitarist's strum..and sometimes the painter's colours. And now, I am drowning in eyes that never looked at me before...I am floating in arms that were never held around me before..and yet I dont feel guilty. I yearn for these strange moments..of stranger eyes that can carress me..of stranger arms that can assure me of their existance. I long for the sun to rise every dawn and every dusk to melt into nights, allowing my dreams to sashay into my life.

Sometimes I wonder what the phrase "I love you" means. Does love,romantic love..always need the security of a relationship? Can being in love or being loved in return ever be enough? How much capacity does the heart have to melt even when it knows it is already filled to the brim with love...?

I dont have answers to any of these questions..and that will mean that my thoughts wont stop. I cant say I am in love again..but its the essence of love that is creeping in. The kind which oozes out when you break open a slightly melted truffle. The kind which makes the little girl ecstatic when she sees the pink fluff candy in front of her. The kind which you feel when you pickup a small insecured kitten, lying by the trench..cold and wet from the rain, last night. And more importantly..the kind of essence that needs no answers or has no questions. From me, or from the place the essence belongs to. The beauty remains when it stays unanswered. The charm is retained when there is to string atached. Its regardless of time, space,being and existance. Thank you,my good Lord..for making making me understand this,fast enough!

A different dashboard. A different life. An alternate reality. Imaginery sand-castles that I dont want to break. Dream blankets that I dont want to unweave. New scaled peaks that I dont want to come away from. Sunk in blue crystal waters, from where I dont want to return. Covered by soft talcum sand that I dont want to shake off. Auburn leaves tangled in my hair..that I dont want to entangle. The hands of a clock I dont want to unwind. The strokes of colour in my heart that I dont want to erase.Kisses that I want to keep. Hugs that I want to retain. The "sunshine" I always want to be. Matters that I dont want to complicate.A leap ahead in time that I dont want to take.

"BaaNwra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna" :)