The Making of 'Me' !

I confess today. I am a narsicist.

But, with a small twist. I always want to include other players in this game. My life has had a lot of people walking in and out,and hence no one account of describing my narcism would or can exclude them!Its a little thought-provoking-but true,that what i am today..or the way I feel and behave today, are all a result of what has transpassed in my yester-years. Cant call my behavior self made, even if I can call my self self-made. Its a collection of every passer-by's contribution..the good that he did..and the bad that he did to me..that has made me the way I am..at least in the way my mind runs!

I believe in what I had been made to believe by them(that is,when they were a part of my life!). That doesn't speak very highly of me,I know. Now,one can say,'What,Sam,did you never have a backbone or a choice of moulding yourself on your own?' I did,maybe-but I also accomodated and believed,unconsciously in most cases,what I was told about myself.I chose to,and I dont have regrets!

Let me see, how far back on my past I can allow myself to go.These are milestones of my life so far..but not equidistant ones.Contains several people who were part of life,through circumstances. These are not friends,or girlfriends. All of them are 'hims':). I will not mention complete names,but just about the first initial for my own reference-while I pull these skeletons out from my rubber-wood cupboard.Here goes...

D.

No, not much memories or influence. I roller bladed away a lot of my time with him. Literally and figuratively:)

B.

Now,this one was my first ever serious affair. The age difference-4 years.Made me believe that I will always remain a kid,with my partner. Was nick-named 'Pixie'.Made me realise, I love being protected,and loved being jealous.I will love the feeling of men being possesive about me.Learnt to please,by accomodating my partner's tastes. (Oh God..I remember buying Guns & Roses and White Snake audio cassettes,just because he listened to them..and he played the drums on those songs!!!UNIMAGINABLE!!!):) Learnt that I cannot fight with someone I love! Nor allow anyone to fight with me in peace! You see,with the first word blown at me in a pitch higher than usual..I would be in tears!! Lol!!

K.

Now,this one started off as an infatuation,and remained one of those flings, where I realised that physical intimacy is very very crucial for me to consider a relationship serious. And that was one very important learning.Learnt being impulsive,and sometimes dangerously impulsive. Learnt making up a lot of stories to cover up!Learnt, that there will be times when I will be totally driven by carnal needs,rather than philosophical mushy talk!(Wink wink!!).Was convinced that there could be potential situations hereafter,where I would need more than one man to love me passionately! Yes-that would be a need,indeed.

A.

Got me interested in expressing through writing. We exchanged terribly long letters,although he stayed exactly one block away! Wrote about several things material and immaterial. Learnt to put words to feelings. Learnt a lot of spellings and grammar,and to think of questions out-of-the box. I would say, I owe a lot of my creativity to him. Music. That was a high point in our exchanges. Listened to a lot of meaningful songs. Started relating songs to situations. Improved grasp on my Bengali vocabulary. Learnt that expression is best,when explained in simple short sentences-not jargons.Started appreciating the arts. He could play the violin,the harmonica and the guitar. He could sing. He could write about ordinary things in the most extra-ordinary manner. He watched films, I never thought I could appreciate. Schindler's List. We sat together and spent hours 'deconstructing' that movie.He taught me to question, not necessarily argue. But even to this date,I think-if I had stuck around with him, I would have turned out to be a perfect balance of the cliched Bengali intellectual and an urban arty types!

He also made me believe, that sometimes I looked the best sans any make-up. Sans kohl. Sans lipstick. He made me believe that its the early morning light and the sub-focussed rays of the sunset,that made me look beautiful.

Not writing about S, but moving on directly to V.Why? Because, S and I dated,simply. Never got promoted to a relationship beyond a few walks to KJC,a few liplocks,and a few dances together on the fresher's welcome party! Lasted all of 3 weeks,I think!

V.

V was all about power. All about male-chauvinism. All about asserting that the male ruled the world. He was a good listener,when we started off..but,that changed.I dont think there were too many take-aways from him,while he was around. Well..maybe just one-continue doing what YOU think is right,no matter what the world around you wants to to do.He made me learn how to listen to my conscience.But when he left me, embarrassed,heartbroken,and used-its then that I realised that not all decisions can be made by the heart. He made me tough,actually. To be practical. Not to get carried away.To face life,when hardships come by. He also made me end up trusting and recognising true friends, from the ones who just hang around with you during good times.I stayed with his parents and family while I was in one of my internships. I realised,just then-that it was important for the man who shared my life to have a family who would be able to share the same ideals and morals my own family has.Did he also successfully made me brand and image conscious? 'No'-I think that would be the correct answer:)!!

Let me for a moment remember R...

R,again did not have too much to contribute in making me what I am today. But..I did understand,while hanging around with R,that it is very important for my partner to know how to dance :).R was very passionate about dancing. He was very poetic,romantic, expressive about his feelings,and a self made man.He would spend hours staring at me-making poetry for my eyes, for my lips..and imagining stuff! I still remember the letter he had wriiten to me, where there was some reference of his imagination,where he was a caveman or something..!!I think I realised,by being with him that I would eventually settle for someone who had these traits...! R often made me feel like the Godesss or the 'Diva',I have mentioned earlier:)

S.

R had come down to Manipal,as a surprise visit! And that was when S and me were busy trying to put a name to the relationship we were building. So it was funny:)

S was very different from V.In every way possible. He was simple. Down to earth. Very sensitive,but immensely lazy.Not very social-savvy.A romantic at heart, but had very subtle ways of expression. Had a voice that would draw crowds.With S,I understood that I would always need my partner to be my friend first. I would always want to come back home to a friend,and only then submit to a lover!I will always need someone I could share anything without having any inhibitions of being judged.But,it was also with him, that I think..I must have blossomed into a woman,from a young girl. He made me believe that.'Kuch Kuch Hota Hain' released during those times!S always maintained that I was like the character Kajol played in the movie,pre and post the interval.Before being with S,I was like Kajol in the 1st half. Soon after,I was Kajol,post-interval-all woman,all feminine,but still strong!Till date I maintain and believe that. There was a permanent metamorphosis. I started believing that equality in a relationship is of utmost importance. Emotional engagements needed to be at par. I would never appreciate being dominated. I would never appreciate being dominating. I would also never appreciate a partner who would allow or cherish either of the two.I did a lot for S,in ways that were possible. I also jeopardised a lot in my career by doing that. And after S, till date I have the sensibility in me to realise when I get carried away with personal priorities,jeopardising professional commitments.The S-phase also re-instated what living a month with V's parents did to me. I doubly firmly started believing that it was important for me and my partner to have families that could be friends.

RB.

RB taught me that I can never wake up early in the morning and peel and chop papayas for my husband! :)Jokes apart...I realised,that I have the option of calling off relationships,that were not working in my favour-irrespective of the level of family or individual committments it had scaled to.I realised I always needed to be be treated rightfully,with dignity and self-respect. I needed my partner to show adequate respect to my family for whoever they are.I learnt that I can put people back to their places if they act smart!

Then there were more 'alphabets' who were planted themselves in the 'word' that makes me,"ME".But,I think I will end here,and not talk about them. They were very influential,no doubt!But I will choose not to mention their names here,in order to protect my private life:)

DBKAVRS RB. Can anything be formed out of this? :)

"Muaaah!"

So..I know this conversation from various incidents in my life..its always the same..no matter whichever part of the country or the region the words come out of. The common link is that..they typically belong to men!:)

It starts with,"I know ya...so sorry,baby...have been so terribly busy at work..its been chaotic!Even 'so-and-so' is complaining,that I am not being able to make time for her!"Wow! Lucky me...that you called me up to tell me that!Like I care!Grrrrrh!

This is how sweetness turns bitter..and then you start disbelieving in fairy tales..the reality hits you as hard as it can(ohh..you know, last morning,while having a shower,I actually hit my forehead on the soap-dish..and really hurt myself!)..ya..when reality hits you..its worse..! For,its not a pain you feel in your forehead,fingers,toes or ligaments for that matter..it pains you in the much cliched, heart(pronounced HURT!!)

And being the silly romantic that I always will be..I find it utterly funny, how as much as I want to be stoic and cynical about these fairy tale beginnings..I still fall prey to fantasies and wear imaginary Cinderalla shoes..and still wish..that the fairy tale will last a lifetime..without any obstruction..just ..simply like that!

You know..I wouldn't change myself for the world..and although more often than not..I learn nothing from each time that I end up troubling myself thinking of things that aren't anymore..I feel happy,simultaneously..about the momentary pleasures that I have bygone..they create a folder in my head..of memories,that I will cherish..involuntarily all my life!

And like my half-faced tattoo on my right shoulder..these glimpses of these fantastic moments will live even when my skin is wrinkled,and I would possibly have a whole set of false teeth!!

This 'muaaaaah!' is for myself..no soliciting ;)

www.AskRaj.com

Raj read the post-mortem of my reunion...and this is what he started blaberring! So,I had mentioned in one place..that Raj was a good flirt..! I guess,he decided that he needs to share his pearls of wisdom with the world.

I quickly took down notes..and decided it deserves to be published!

What does it take to be a good flirt?

To make a subjective analysis of this rather than an emotional one,and not getting into bullestised communication,you just have to be emotionally aggressive..to be a good flirt!

Flirting is like shooting a quiver full of arrows with subtle variations innuendos,innovative repertoire,cheeky retorts towards a target which you have to progressively scope,size,shoot at,miss,and repeat the iteration all over again,till you hit bulls-eye!Or maybe you just flirt around the edges,tantalisingly close,but not mess around with the eye!The only problem is that if the target is good at the game too,it can move around and dodge the arrows,while not running away all together.And then starts, an intensely innovative Tom & Jerry episode,which no Harvard professor can even begin to deconstruct or analyse!

A near perfect encore would be a daring brush and no more, to live another day to carry on the flirting continuum,maybe on a higher plain of emotional or intellectual ping-pong or, a willful submission and overtly dramatised conquest resulting in a mutually vanquishing experience.

I would rate the earlier a master,and the latter an earnest student!After all,who wants to get off a high?:)

Post Mortem!

On the Jet Airways flight,they served a snack along with a very pretty pink 200ml water especially bottled by Himalaya. Yes,thats nothing to write a story on and publish in a blog..but,what was written very matter of factly on the pink and white label,urged me to ask the attendant for a pen,and start scribbling on the Valley View bill copy!
" I look back on life..its funny how things turn".
There could not have been a more apt timing,when I could have come across this simple line.You see, I am on a flight back from my college reunion :)

Not only is it funny how things turn,its weird that that it more or less turns around in the best direction,that could have been possible!I spent three years of a very vulnerable and formative periods in my life going to college in Manipal.Whatever added to my kitty of experiences,those three years,was what I collectively call 'growing up' :).Three affairs, two heart breaks,(..and one breaking a heart!),the first puff of dope..the most innovative lies,I have ever told my folks,the first sip of neat alcohol..and all the first-times one can imagine or even fantasize about..!

The moment I entered Cosmo Cafe,Nandz said,"You are a rock-star,Sam!The first ever re-union and you have two of the three boyfriends you had in college..present? :)" Yep..that was true!And now, when I got to spend some 'more' time with them..I realised how lucky I had been to be dumped by them in the first place!!! (Luckily, the one who I dumped,was not around..he was awaiting his wife to deliver their first child,back in Pune!). At the first available opportunity,I sms-ed Raju," You know what,I somehow wish I had dated you in college! You would have by far made the most active,romantic and sensitive boyfriend I ever would have had!!"

I now understand, that all my relationships,which I often used to term the 'best'...were all a matter of perceptions!While at Manipal,this weekend..strangely all I was missing was being with Raju. We were having a blast. The 'two' men were attempting once-in-a-while successful hitting lines..and I was temporarily charmed as well...but in the middle of all that, all I could think is ,'Shit,man..Raju even flirts better than these cartoons!!'. Now,although Raju never contributed to the memories that I must have collected stepping on those cobblestone years,and times..10 years,after those rocking years later,with two of the three men,associated with my being there,and contributing to snippets of memorable times spent there,who should have ideally brought back memories(if not sweet always!)..I am still stuck with thoughts of what Raju and me would have done..if he were here!:)

Back to the sms.So Raju(as slow as he is with sms-es!!) replied saying,"Baby,I was a 'kyabla' number one in college.What you got and saw was a much cooler character aware with worldly exposure:)"

"No,no..you dont know Manipal.."I screamed out!! "Every 'kyabla' who comes here becomes a lover..of the first order..even with the football and cricket practices and matches,the student-council commitments..and the boyish necessary interludes once in a while!!Everyone learns to go on 'duty' at 8pm,no matter what!!And I know,baby...you ARE a fast learner:)"

I think my life is perfect with Raju!

Of all the things,that the reunion did to me..the best that I like is that it made me fall in love with Raju,all over again!:)

My t-shirt!

I bought a t-shirt last evening on which is written 'DIVA' .
Here's the history...
I got kissed ...for very long...and the moment after, he whispered " Heaven" :)
I felt butterflies in my stomach,and confided..."With that word you made me feel like a diva,do you know that?!"
He looked surprised..then he said..."Dont you ever for a moment think, you are anything or anyone less than that"!!!!
:)

Giglee :)

It takes only so much to please me :)And I sometimes feel, I have every right to feel good about these small incidents that happen at various turns in my life.

I am trying very hard to draw up an analogy for what I really want to express! I dont want it to backfire on me, when the 'who' along with me, in my story pounces on me saying,'You have intruded my privacy' ...!

Well..while I am thinking,let me just say that this much ...

Suddenly, he popped up from somewhere. Someone,long forgotten . Someone,whose memories never came back to haunt or pacify me. Someone, who had been integral in making me what I am today,but I never thought I really needed to mention his name in the 'credits' column.Because he did not treat me right, when the time was right. And like a packet of stale bread, he and his memories were discarded.

But the point is,that for some reason(now that he has popped up!) he is making me feel like a princess :)He says he has his reasons,and they are apparently selfish..and his ways of redemption for all the (ok,this one is really cliched!) WRONG that he has done to me..and that, I should just let him indulge when he wants to pamper me. Oh, well..not a very tough job to do,I say!

End of introduction.

So..today, while at the Training Session, we had some game,where the person sittting next to me had to identify me as a famous personality..can you imgaine,of all the names on the list we were given..this unknown person named me 'Cleopatra' :)

I could not help but giggle inside..remembering that I was already being treated like a princess ,and feeling like one too...!

Its kiddish, girlish..and I actually have butterflies in my stomach :)To an extent, that the physical manifestation of this feeling is that right now I have two school-time braids made on my hair,and I am wearing a frock !! :)

Hmm..no analogy,yet. Have done enough bridging to try to buy time from all you readers..

Let me come back..some days later..

And if anyone of you have any clue to what I could do better in being more subtle-do drop in a line..let me see if that helps!:)

Its not always Greek!

Greece was amazing.... from the sunkissed hard black islands and white and black jerzees of the Santorini cliff hugging houses, to near perfect facial structure and bronzed torsos of the Greek pantheon....looks like the Gods and Godesses descended and decided to settle down around the Mediterranean :)! And,from their lazy bearing to the frenzied pace of Modern Athens just about sparing the 2500 yr old Acropolis to survive as a last bow of reverence to a long irritable hallowed past and desperate to get on with a future around commercial success....but not too desperate really ...to a 160kmph drive to the laid back mountains of Delphi where the possessed priestess' of Oracle have left but a few columns and stones to survive amongst some stunning views and cool breeze and finally to a mountain town near Delphi where the tenacious claws of neither Indian enterpreneurship nor Bangladeshi roadside hawking have reached and a big jawed Greek bartender Yorge,who gave us a free drink just because he has not seen any Indians before :)!

We would love to go back to Santorini and spend a month on the rocky mazes of Ia settlement, harrowing the artists to challenge their touristy work,gazing at the near-perfect looking usherer at port-side cafe in Ia, keeping the tiny bookshop lady up till late in her store, forcing the coffee shop owner to mix some Kalmane in his Arabica while the Greek music croones or..simply, just sit on a white and blue deck and sip Ouzo with Lemonade (its horrible with water!) while the sun starts a tantalizing red kiss along the alluring edges of the Cyclades Volcanic rim !

Its not always Greek..when you can unbderstand the language,often untold!

(Writing partially contributed by Raj Basu!)

"Between the Soul and the Shadow"

"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,in secret, between the shadow and the soul."-Pablo Neruda.
Love can also be harmful,I figured out.It hurts..yes..and sometimes to an extent that it becomes fatal for you.But more often than not,it has already become a habit, by the time your realise its darkness has started overshadowing your goodness. And then..like most cliched situations, you realise you have gone way too far to do a reverse gear.So you practice love. Sometimes meaninglessly. In the dark.On a dark afternoon,or a darker morning.
And you start soaking,not basking... in the darkness.You start fearing,not loving...in the darkness.You start thinking,not being...in the darkness.The part of your brain which was defeated by your heart,once upon a yellow time-takes over. Retaliates.Quarrels.Trusting that you will listen to her and open the window..to let in the fresh scented air.To let out the damp bitter moisture. To clear the silver grey cobwebs clogging your freedom. Fight the darkness, she says. Take the greatest risk..climb the highest peak..dont sell your soul to adversities,just because you fear the dark.
Then the battle begins...between the shadow and the soul..and what lies in between.If you win, you run the risk of losing the war...if you loose, you are in war !

Untitled...and imperfect

I guess,I have been missing out on attending weddings in the family. Or maybe,I have been married for way too long:)What I saw in my dreams the other day, was something I was enjoying, but not sure why..
I saw myself getting married again. Within the situation that exists now.I dont recollect whether I was happy or not..but what transpassed in that dream was a perfect wedding...actually, a perfect preparatory phase to a wedding,not the actual ceremony. I was there. RB wasn't. Not even anywhere in the whole picture,or not even a late arrival into the scenario. I was about to be married to someone else. XY. But, strangely, however much I strived, I could not see his face in its fullness. His height was short,just about taller than me. His smile was dazzling. Mediterranean skin colour.Seemed like I knew him from before.Much before. And like I said, the cicumstances hadn't altered much. Both of us(XY and me) were marrying for the 2nd time around...but I had no clue where our 'earlier' halves were, or what they were doing at that point in time. And there was no friction,more importantly. There was no mention of heart-breaks from previous relationships..no construed misconceptions. A clean slate.And cleaner consciousness-es.
And I was 'driving' this dream..seemed like I wanted it to last to a point where I could totally interpret the 'current' happenings,to the last hilt!
Everyone in the dream was happy..and smiling. I saw several of my distant members..giggling,teasing..deciding on what to wear for my 'Bou-bhaath'.(I haven't been meeting these relatives in my real life for a verrrry long time!!!)
Saw several unrecognised faces-a high possibility they were relations belonging to XY.There were no disagreements. All kith and kin wanted to see XY and me married.
There was chaos. The kind that one enjoys just before getting married.
And there was no coo-chi-cooing between XY and me. In the dream, we were hardly seen together. Each busy with there own activities.Very matter-of-fact. Like long lost friends, getting married.
And so the saga continued for a while...till...
Pushpa came by...so did Suresh.Arvind gave me a missed call..and I remained 'unmarried' :)
For the better, I promise you!!!

Confession-1

When the hell will I realise that not everything can be damage controlled???
Sometimes I feel utterly stupid for doing what did..and when I look back,I feel like spanking myself..for the stupidity.
It causes to much stress, so much harm..strains bonds..creates ego-hassels..and all because of my stupidity :(
I need balance..in my life..personally and professionally.
A balance between conflicts and emotions,and between emotions and reactions.
Till then..
(Sigh!!!)

Much Ado about Nothing...

Its so true..everytime..and for everything. When you have something at dispensable limits, you dont value it. But the moment your object of affection has moved away(or you have made brainy arrangements to move him/her/it away) you realise the vacuum. You tend to miss,maybe something you never thought you will. You tend to want back something which your cerebral coaxed you to discard..notstalgia,memories, regrets..surface like the rum floating on a Planters punch..

And I am missing now, something I thought I never will. Someone I thought I could do without, turns out to be an apparition I keep on thinking always about.

Its strange how, when you think you have made the most effective decision of your life,some random conversation,or lack of it thereof,leaves you jaded,depressed and debating your efforts.

When you have taken so many conscious steps to erase the marks an event has left behind,when you have used acid in some instances to corrugate thoughts, why do the same memories resonate back with the pink of a cotton candy?Why are they still happy memories? Why do they still loosen a string of your otherwise tight mind,and pull a muscle in your otherwise firm heart?

Question I have for the world I left behind: Would you call me self-centred and an opportunist, if I still want to be assured that I can come back to you,whenever I want to...?

Lovesongs

I had fallen in love,once upon a time.

When that happens, cliched that it may sound,everything around you becomes sweet and tolerable.The wind that brushes against your face, convey messages untold. The road that you walk on seems to be strewn with pink roses and white orchids. The song that you hear on the radio seems to be written especially for you. And so the saga continues...

Many moons and relationships later, I stumbled on a old bunch of emails that both of us had written to each other. I could not help but smile.Its funny, how irrespective of your age, you behave like school-kids, when you love. The same cajoling,the same childish-temper,the same bribes work magic!The same games, and similar rewards :) There are 'score-cards' maintained,and 'interests' that are payable!There are 'reciprocations' for an action and verbose 'rainbows' that often colour grey skies..

There were moments. Teal moments of jealousy. Pink moments of a blush,prussian and magenta moments of seduction,and ochre moments of glum.All a part of the package...

Now is a different time.The colours have become disinterested and rusty. Immune,too at times.But whenever an auburn leaf falls on a rain drenched road,whenever I smell beef kaati rolls, whenever there is a familiar tune being hummed,whenever there are 'framed' moons in between bald dusky branches,whenever the beams of the lighthouse caress the night horizon and... whenever there are 'momemts'...I still steal a smile...